As promised here are a few more film reviews from my time at the Scunthorpe Telegraph – both at the cinema and on DVD covering a range of genres from horror to science fiction.

I am still proud of the line describing Brad Pitt’s acting being as wooden as the wooden horse but in fairness he did improve in his later films.

Also I am getting the impression that I was not that impressed with the Star Wars prequels but, in fairness, they were quite disappointing on so many levels.

Psycho-zombies on Brit streets

BRITISH horror seems a lot slicker these days. even the zombies have a spring in their step.

From Danny Boyle, the back-on-form director of Trainspotting and The Beach, 28 Days Later (18) begins in a animal testing centre, when animal rights activists unwittingly release a deadly virus and all hell is let loose.

The disease is called Rage’ and a single drop of blood is enough to infect you – 20 seconds later you are a blood-fuelled psycho-zombie on speed. This is a nice twist to the usual post-apocalypse scenario.

Cut to a setpiece of a deserted London with Jim (Cillian Murphy) waking up in a hospital bed. He stumbles around the empty London streets, wondering where everybody is.

He handles the role well, looking suitably bewildered and, manages to avoid the rampaging packs of infected rage victims, hooking up with fellow survivors Selina (Naomie Harris) and Frank (Brendan Gleeson).

There is no Hollywood glitz here, and the feel of the film is of gritty realism. It is filmed on digital video, giving it a grainy, arthouse look.

The film handles the desperation of survival well, showing the mundane things such as collecting water and scavenging for food.

In typical Brit fashion the survivors have adopted a siege mentality in a tower block, and it’s handy that Frank, a taxi driver has a full set of riot gear. Probably protection from too many trips south of the river.

They decide to escape up north and, after a tyre change to make Schumacher proud, they reach Manchester which is a city in flames.

Salvation, it would seem, lies with a small band of soldiers led by Maj Henry West (Christopher Eccleston). Beneath the charming facade, however, the madness burns in his eyes.

The film has an edgy feel complemented with jerky camera work. It’s not overburdened by special effects and is a cracking tale to boot.

To buy and rent on DVD and VHS. DVD extras: documentary, alternative endings, storyboards and picture gallery.

From the Scunthorpe Telegraph on Thursday, May 29, 2003.

Avast, ye lubbers!

Review: Pirates of the Caribbean (12A)

HEAVE-HO me hearties, and avast behind.

This strange banter can only mean the pirates have returned in what promises to be the best blockbuster this summer, in Pirates of the Caribbean: The Curse of the Black Pearl (12A).

The story opens with a young Elizabeth Swann setting sail for Port Royal with her father (Jonathan Pryce), who is to be the Governor.

They rescue young Will Turner, who has been shipwrecked, and Elizabeth hides a gold medallion he wears, fearing it would identify him as a pirate.

We also catch our first glimpse of the ragged-sailed Black Pearl pirate ship disappearing into the mist.

Cut to 10 years later and Elizabeth (Keira Knightley) and Will (Orlando Bloom) are older and even Governor Swann’s wig has gone grey.

Will Turner is now a blacksmith who makes fine swords, and is hopelessly in love with Elizabeth. But his true love looks set to marry the stiff-upper-lipped Commodore Norrington (Jack Davenport).

Also making a terrific entrance at Port Royal is the roguish yet charming Captain Jack Sparrow (Johnny Depp), heroically perched atop the mast of his sinking ship.

We later discover Jack’s original ship was the Black Pearl, reputed to be the fastest ship on the high seas, stolen from him by the wily Captain Barbossa (Geoffrey Rush).

The ship attacks the town of Port Royal, mysteriously drawn by the gold coin which came from a hoard of cursed Aztec gold, and the pirates need to return it to rid themselves of their curse.

When Captain Barbossa kidnaps Elizabeth in a bid to break the curse, Will joins forces with Captain Jack to commandeer the fastest ship in the British fleet, the HMS Interceptor, and sail to the rescue. Thus the tale begins.

The film rattles along at a rollicking pace with enough twists to keep you guessing right up to the end.

Johnny Depp almost steals the show with his performance as Captain Jack. He has the appearance of Spike from the Quireboys, heavy on the eyeshadow and with (bizarrely) Tommy Cooper-like inebriated speech.

He puts in a top performance as the noose-dodging rogue, and really plays it up with camp humour.

Orlando Bloom has consigned the pointed elf ears and long blond locks from Lord of the Rings to Davy Jones’ locker, but otherwise his role is very similar, as Will, the clean-cut, handsome, swashbuckling swordsmith.

NewcomerKeira Knightley delivers the goods as the feisty English rose with thorns – complete with the epithet ‘Bloody Pirates!’.

Having previously starred in Bend It Like Beckham and Star Wars Chapter One: The Phantom Menace, Keira looks like someone to watch for the future.

Geoffrey Rush clearly relishes the pantomime villain role – I would not trust him as far as I could comfortably spit a ship’s rat.

There is already talk of a sequel, in anticipation of the film’s success, with key cast members already aboard.

Crew members who have taken the Disney shilling for the next voyage are Johnny Depp, Orlando Bloom and Keira Knightley, as well as producer Jerry Bruckheimer and director Gore Verbinski.

The film is a cracking yarn of pure escapism and worth going to see.

There is plenty of swash to buckled – you won’t be disappointed shipmates!

From the Scunthorpe Telegraph on Thursday, August 7, 2003.

Bizarre but good

Review: Serenity (15)

FANS of Joss Whedon’s TV work will no doubt be familiar with both Buffy the Vampire Slayer and Angel but US show Firefly passed many by and it was cancelled after only 14 episodes.

A bizarre culture clash between sci-fi, comedy and the spaghetti western, the interstellar gunslingers in the series were cast adrift in the farthest reaches of the galaxy.

So I was surprised to hear Whedon had secured a $40-million budget – and retained most of the original cast – to resurrect the project for the big screen.

Mal Reynolds (Nathan Fillion) is captain of the spacecraft Serenity, as he leads his crew of mercenary desperados travelling across the universe battling against the sinister empire – The Alliance.

Little do the crew realise two recent additions to their numbers are on the run from The Alliance – Dr Simon Tam (Sean Maher) and his troubled teenage sister, River (Summer Glau).

The Alliance had been conducting tests on River, and it was planned to use her as some sort of secret weapon before the doc broke her out. The Alliance wants her back, and they’ll stop at nothing to get her.

And while the crew are busy raiding a remote outpost’s payroll, River gets a strange psychic premonition of the imminent arrival of Reivers, cannibalistic bad guys.

They prove savage and a frantic chase results as our heroes try to escape with the loot.

Later, in one of their safe havens, River totally flips her lid and starts kicking some serious ass, knocking everyone out in one almighty barroom brawl.

The crew realise all is not what it seems, and they have to seek her home planet to discover the cause of her distress – their every move tracked by The Alliance.

There are some strong performances from a relatively-unknown cast, who play their parts with tongue firmly stuck in cheek.

Glau is particularly convincing as the troubled River. Fillion does his best Han Solo impression and Jewel Staite gets some ship’s sexually frustrated engineer, Kaylee.

I liked the whole feel of this film, and the way it combined the Buffyesque sassy one-liners with the dusty western and the sci-fi genres. It’s a good mix.

And, dare I say it. I preferred this to the Star Wars prequels – with all their Dark Side navel-gazing and no laughs.

There are some impressive large-scale battle scenes, which I would guess were produced on a fraction of Mr Lucas’ budget, and the characters and sets all have a grubby feel, rather than the squeaky-clean look of Star Wars.

I am looking forward to the sequel – The Alliance Strikes Back?

From the Scunthorpe Telegraph on Thursday, October 13, 2005.

See Saw if you like plenty of gore

Review: Saw 2 (18)

I HAVE to admit I did not see the first Saw until recently, and the DVD I had borrowed was corrupted at the very end, which was a pity because I almost missed the final plot twist.

It was the sort of film, which kept you guessing until the very end just who the twisted serial killer – Jigsaw – was. I had just about everyone in the frame.

The final twist was totally unexpected and very clever, so I was looking forward the sequel – the cleverly titled Saw 2 – very much.

It begins with dodgy detective Eric Mathews (Donnie Wahlberg) and his son Daniel (Erik Knudsen) arguing, and their parting words leave them on less than the best of terms.

Back at work, Mathews and his SWAT team manage to capture twisted psycho killer Jigsaw (Tobin Bell).

It is not too long before they realise Jigsaw has a final ace up his sleeve – eight people who are breathing in a deadly nerve gas and only have two hours to live. They are trapped in a rambling mansion with lots rooms, in which a series of fiendishly cunning traps and puzzles have been set.

If the puzzles are solved correctly, it will provide the eight who are trapped with an antidote to the nerve gas.

All the victims have one thing in common, which they gradually work out as the film progresses. And, to be successful, they must work together as a team.

But detective Mathews has good reason to work fast to find out where they are incarcerated – his son is one of those trapped, and the clock is ticking.

Tempers become frayed as the gas starts to take effect, and one-by-one they fall victim to Jigsaw’s fiendish plot.

There are certainly some strong performances from all concerned, particularly from Wahlberg as the corrupt cop who will
even plant evidence to get a conviction.

Bell is convincing as the cold and clinical Jigsaw, man dying of cancer who, in his own sick mind, has decided to give people the option of living or dying.

Also worthy of note is Shawnee Smith, who plays former junkie Amanda – the only person ever to have survived one of Jigsaw’s traps and who now will do anything to survive.

Everyone concerned seems to convincingly portray a character who knows they only have a limited time left to live, and their rising terror looks all too real.

I really enioyed this movie, and I have to say it’s not often a sequel is as good as the first film.

Be warned though, it is very gory and not for the faint-hearted.

It twists and turns like a snake on acid, and it certainly keeps you guessing right to the very end – with a very unexpected finale.

One you’ll wish you saw too.

From the Scunthorpe telegraph on Thursday, November 3, 2005.

Acting as wooden as the Trojan horse

Review: Troy

VIRGIL once said: “I fear the Greeks, even when they bring gifts.”

This is especially true if they turn up at your city gates with a blinking great wooden horse, in Troy (15).

You know the story: Trojan princes, Paris (Orlando Bloom) and Hector (Eric Bana), conduct peace talks with the Spartans and in the process steal away the king’s wife – Helen (Diane Kruger).

King Menelaus (Brendan Gleeson) is a little put out by this and enlists the help of his brother, the megalomaniac King Agamemnon (Brian Cox).

They gather a large fleet to get her back, with the greatest Greek warrior Achilles (Brad Pitt) and his motley crew at the helm.

What we have next is the 10-year siege of Troy condensed into about two weeks, complete with blood-drenched battle scenes and ancient warriors staring meaningfully into the middle distance.

It is fortunate the film is noted as ‘inspired by’ Homer’s epic, the Iliad, because there is not much of the source material left.

Brad Pitt is as wooden as the Trojan horse, but he does look convincing as the greatest warrior of all time.

Orlando Bloom resurrects his pretty boy Legolas role, and even picks up a bow and arrow. But you feel no sympathy for him, and cannot help but feel Paris and Menelaus should have crossed swords in the first place, and saved everybody a whole lot of trouble.

Out of the cast of thousands, Eric Bana is most convincing as Hector – his fight with Achilles is the best part of the
film.

The action is fast and brutal and visually stunning. But Hollywood’s history teacher will write on the next report
card – must try harder.

From the Scunthorpe Telegraph on Thursday, May 27, 2004.